I was drafted by Hal and Dream into writing the highlights for this stream, so I preface this by saying that I had to ask @paint-the-wall-with-bullets for the plot a fourth of the way through, upon which I connected the dots.
The
ragethirst was visited today by a smol, who graced us with kpop for
a short time
ling tried to
make moves on everyone assembled, as per usual
donnie
appeared for all of five minutes in the beginning of the movie to
look very pretty and to torture an official to death to establish
the plot
many
disparaging comments were made about his makeup
which were
equally balanced out by those who liked it
(personally
I think it was a bit Much, but he did resemble a peacock dressed
in gold filigree, so 50/50, could take or leave it)
outfit 1
donnie’s
playing a eunuch, which lead to us trying to goad @evocating into writing
Forbidden City fanfic starring ballsless sex, because the rest of
us don’t have the research background for this brand of
historical erotica
the
official’s entire family was killed except for one boy and one
girl
our heroine,
played by Brigitte Lin, who I referred to for the rest of the movie
as ‘the lady drunkard who crossdresses and fights well’ appears
at this point with a band of renegade mercenaries to snatch the
kids off
donnie
watches all of this from the cliffs above from the middle of his
entourage
no really
outfit 2
there’s a
lot of fighting on horseback and by ‘fighting on horseback’ I
mean people turning horses around in circles, yelling, and waving
around prop swords while the wind kicks up sand everywhere
donnie gets
to use the Force
our heroes,
kids in tow, sojourn to this inn in the middle of the desert near a
pass through the mountains they can use
as framing
for said inn we’re treated to a scene of Maggie Cheung, playing
the role of the cannibal (more on that later) innkeeper mistress
seducing a man and then brutally murdering him via several throwing
knives to the face
down the
chute he goes
for those
interested, he gets turned into meat buns (that was the later)
the
butcher is very skilled at chopping (I swear to god this becomes
salient even more later)
our innkeeper
Immediately susses out that the crossdresser is crossdressing
because she is not attracted to her womanly ways
I say this
but the next scene after the obligatory This Meat Tastes Off, Don’t
Eat It bit is something like twenty minutes of a fight between our
crossdressing heroine and the innkeeper in the bath that consists
of knives shredding cloth and stealing clothes off of each other
words were
exchanged to the effect of ‘you have a very lovely body’ ‘as
do you’
the
innkeeper loses
she ends
up topless
while
vaulting onto the top of the inn(??), the innkeeper is interrupted in
the middle of her bawdy(???), topless(??????) song by the arrival of a third
party
Tony Ka Fai
Leung plays a doctor romantically involved with our crossdressing
heroine
he arrives
on two camels. Take this as you will.
He Banters
with the innkeeper, who promptly decides she wants to keep him
there was
so much crosstalk about “the weather” and “candles”
alas, this
perfect setup for poly is not used
at some point
all the asians in chat completely derailed the conversation by
expounding on all the different kinds of meat and how good they were
Bone Marrow.
Bone marrow was elected universal king
Special
mention goes to the consumption of insects. Excellent source of
protein!
At some point
during above conversation government officials acting at donnie’s
behest arrive at the inn, where they’re all conveniently trapped
by the desert weather (it wasn’t Entirely a metaphor)
two of the
officials’ party get struck by lightning and dragged off to be
turned into meat buns
maybe a
goat too
a very fake
roasted goat makes an appearance
the
butcher gets to show off his skills via deboning the whole thing
and turning the meat into deli slices (I swear this is also
salient)
there’s a
very tension-laden showdown wherein two tables are broken and the
doctor and the main official end up having ‘a toast to nothing’
our party is still stuck because of the weather and the officials keeping an eye
on them
the doctor
does a reverse honeypot to seduce the innkeeper into letting their
party use the secret tunnels out so they can transport the kids
the
seduction involves a one night stand after getting married by the
government official of said standoff before
the doctor
also does some Investigation at some point and discovers the
people-chute
also
terrifies the butcher by turning out to be alive
somehow the
honeymoon turns into a fight
which
quickly turns into a full-out brawl between all parties in the inn
shoutout
to the innkeeper who literally grinds up one of the officials’
men in the fight, fills a bucket with his blood, and then throws
in the old man official’s face before stabbing him while
screaming about making him eat his own blood
so much
fake blood everywhere
donnie and
the army he’s leading arrive in the middle of this
the inn gets
stormed by said army
horses ride
all over it
in the
ruckus of the fight above, our crossdressing heroine (who is no
longer crossdressing and is probably a bit drunk from drowning her
sorrows over the honeymoon that doesn’t involve her), tries to
get the kids out
she runs
into said army and gets shot by an arrow and has to come back
the
innkeeper, faced with her imminent bodily safety, gets everyone
through the tunnels (everyone being the kids, the doctor, the
butcher, the crossdressing heroine, herself, and a kitchen sink)
the tunnel
pops out behind the front line, but one of the kids accidentally
lets go of a red sash, which Happens to drift back to where donnie’s
sitting
upon which he
Ｐ Ｒ Ｏ Ｍ Ｐ Ｔ Ｌ Ｙ Ｆ Ｌ Ｉ Ｅ Ｓ onto a horse and starts chasing after
them
outfit 3
his makeup
has gotten Worse
donnie loses
the horse to a stiff breeze and ends up chasing after the party on
foot
the kids are
sent ahead with the butcher while the rest stay to make a stand
against donnie, who is naruto running across the dunes to them
A Fight
Ensues
we can’t
see shit because of the goddamn sand blowing everywhere
it’s mostly
just dramatic swordplay at this point, but donnie loses his hairtie
to a stray cut and also gets nicked in the face at some point??
???
he’s
really rocking the chirrut colors here
there is a
pause to regroup
upon which
there is a long pan
it’s from
donnie’s chest down his skirts to his ankles
why? we’re
not initially clear
AS IT TURNS
OUT THE PAN IS TO SHOWCASE THAT THEY’RE APPARENTLY IN QUICKSAND.
EVERYONE IS
SUNKEN UP TO THE CHEST
INCLUDING
DONNIE, WHO HAS HELD ABOVE POSE ALL THROUGH IT
Immediately
after we realize the above fact, donnie changes his pose
he fucking.
Landsharks through the sand
I honestly
have no other words to describe it
he carves
his own trench?? the sand flies up???
he fucking
nyooms through the sand my guys
DO WE
REMEMBER THAT VIDEO OF THE MOOSE JUST FUCKING CARVING ITS WAY
THROUGH THE CHEST-HIGH SNOW IN CANADA
BECAUSE
IT WAS LIKE THAT
“MOVE I’M
GAY” – donnie in this fight
we have been
laughing ever since donnie lost his hairtie because his goddamn
face when it happened was ATROCIOUS, I hope someone screencapped it
for posterity
BUT AT THIS
POINT WE TOTALLY LOSE IT
I AM
LAUGHING SO HARD THERE ARE LITERAL TEARS IN MY EYES
“MOOOOOOOOOO
YAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!” – the doctor, dramatically, overwrought,
as the crossdressing heroine is stabbed
attempts to
drive off donnie are made. they’re not very successful.
Breakdancing
fighting ensues
the
innkeeper leaves mo yan in the sand to die as she tries to help
with the fight
“MOOOOOOO
YAAAAANNNNN!!!!” – the doctor, as he dives for mo yan, sinking
into the sand, and misses her hand in time to pull her out
she
deserved a better death, honestly
the fight is
REALLY not going well. Donnie makes a move to charge at the
remaining party
upon which
a fucking
second landshark
pops out of
the dune to engage him
IT”S THE
BUTCHER.
THERE ARE A
LOT OF TERRIBLE SOUND EFFECTS? THERE’S A LOT OF FLAILING?? WE
DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON
until the
butcher disengages and scuttles off to fucking. Bury himself back
into the sand in true landshark style
donnie tries
to move, halts, looks down
“MY
LEG!!!!!!!” – donnie in this movie, discovering that he has an
EXTREMELY BADLY DONE skeleton leg from the knee down replacing his
left leg?!?!?!?
THE BUTCHER
DEBONED HIM
THIS IS
WHERE IT BECAME SALIENT
“MY
HAND!!!!!” – donnie in this movie, discovering after falling over
that he has an EXTREMELY BADLY DONE skeleton hand from the elbow
down replacing his left arm?!?!?!?!?
THE TEARS OF
LAUGHTER ARE OVERFLOWING.
Oh my god, he
gets up Somehow because the landshark butcher is coming for the rest
of him
they
exchange some blows
donnie stabs
him fucking just shy of the crotch THROUGH THE SAND
THERE IS A
GEYSER OF FAKE BLOOD
THEN
FUCKING HAULS HIM OUT OF THE SAND AND PROCEEDS TO SWING HIM AROUND
LIKE A SHIRT STRIPPED OFF AT A CONCERT MOSH PIT WHILE SCREAMING AT
THE SKY
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
there’s
a quick interlude for the doctor to Resolve Himself with the
innkeeper THROUGH WHICH YOU CAN STILL HEAR DONNIE SCREAMING
the doctor
and donnie have one last dramatic clash that involves FLYING ACROSS
THE SAND
DONNIE GRABS
THE SWORD THE DOCTOR IS USING AS IT’S COMING AT HIM AND BENDS IT
INTO A PRETZEL ONE-HANDED??
THERE IS
FAKE BLOOD EVERYWHERE????
THE DOCTOR
PULLS A STRAIGHT DAGGER OUT OF THE HILT OF THE SWORD AS DONNIE IS
HOLDING IT AND STABS DONNIE THROUGH THE NECK
@twentyeightghosts is
extremely mad about this still. Swords Do Not Work Like That
DONNIE IN A
FINAL ACT OF DEFIANCE STABS THE DOCTOR IN THE CHEST WITH HIS BONY
SKELETON FINGERS???????????
the doctor
fucking FALLS BACK onto the sand COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD with this
RIDICULOUS PROP SKELETON HAND AND FOREARM ATTACHED TO HIS CHEST
SOMEHOW
DONNIE IS STILL STANDING
HE DOES
A RIDICULOUS ONE-LEGGED HOP TO STAY UPRIGHT
THIS MAN.
donnie
has one last dramatic yell in him. we’re treated to a shot of his
skeleton leg crumpling to bits under him. He finally falls over.
he’s dead. The evil has been vanquished.
There
is a dramatic pan on mo yan’s flute on the sand with music going
in the background as the doctor looks appropriately anguished and
the innkeeper appropriately jilted by death
said
doctor takes the kids through the pass on the other camel
the
innkeeper and the butcher go back to the inn and burn it down
‘let
us leave this evil place’ LADY, YOU WERE THE ONE TURNING DUDES
INTO MEAT BUNS IN THE BASEMENT????
@xanderxcagex
had a great joke about swordception [BWOOOOOM]
hal
came back after having to take a break right as the movie finished
WE
REWATCHED THE LAST TEN MINUTES AGAIN
JUST
FOR DONNIE
THIS
MOVIE IS APPARENTLY A TREASURED CLASSIC???
seriously,
thank you so much for streaming for us @greymichaela and hosting
our absolute madness. This was a ragethirst to remember, if nothing
else for it being the strongest ending to a donnie movie I’ve
caught thus far.
Kim,
to Hal: you’re going to ask ‘What? Was that – ?” a lot in the
last ten minutes, and the answer, every time, is going to be ‘Yes.’ Hal,
Immediately: DID DONNIE JUST – Everyone
in the chat, through their laughter: ＹＥＳ
A Force Sensitive Phasesixer 