So there was some era-typical misogyny and a bit of dubcon, but that aside, this movie was oddly delightful?
The stream I found the night before refused to play in Rabbit. I embarked on an hunt to find a new one. Finally found one that would play, but halfway through the audio went wildly out of sync. We’d be sitting there watching a tender scene between lovers reunited, and overlaying that would be meaty thumps and smacks as someone got beat up twenty seconds ahead.
Nothing could be done about this. We all gritted our teeth and hung on until the end of part one, and our patience was rewarded when part two played in slightly better sync.
This movie is so gay, y’all. So. Gay. Wing Chun and her friend Abacus (Abacus) run a tofu shop. They rescue a young widow whose husband just died, and set her up in the shop as the “Tofu Beauty” so all the horny bastards in the village will buy from her.
Wing Chun is dressed like a man and everyone mistakes her for one. She helps drive away bandits and is shamed for being “too manly” while still being called on to help keep the village safe.
Listen, when I said this movie is gay, I wasn’t kidding. Abacus dresses up the widow and shows her off to Wing Chun, who… stares at her longingly while the camera zooms lovingly up and down the widow’s body.
Donnie Yen plays Wing Chun’s childhood sweetheart, come to find her so they can get married. He mistakes the widow for her, then sees Wing Chun wipe the widow’s face with a cloth, her hand lingering on her cheek as they smile tenderly at each other, and says, “She already has a husband!” and runs off. His character is… not too bright. (Also holy hell, so gay.)
But before that happened, this happened.
Tofu!face Donnie. Because when he tried to buy some tofu, they were out of bowls, so he told the widow to put it in his hands (???) and then proceeded to eat the entire pile right there in front of her. (????)
Really. Not too bright.
A hilarious round-robin of mistaken identity then occurs, with Wing Chun realizing who Donnie (Pok To) is, but refusing to reveal herself while Pok To pursues the widow, who he thinks is Wing Chun.
This is where it got even gayer, when the widow gave Abacus an orgasmic footrub while Wing Chun literally kept her hand over Abacus’ mouth to keep the neighbors from hearing her moans of pleasure. Then the widow did the same to Wing Chun. Dear god the gay poly threesome angle was explored thoroughly in this.
And oh yeah, there are bandits in them thar hills, intent on stealing the widow and everything else they can get their hands on.
Wing Chun to the rescue, obviously! With cute but dim Pok To hard on her heels, she attempts to beat the head bandit and fails. She retreats to regroup, at which point Pok To tells her he’s (finally) figured out who she is and can they please get married already.
She protests some more that she’s not ladylike enough for him and he tells her he doesn’t care, he loves her, and oh my god it’s actually a really cute scene? MY COLD DEAD HEART DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.
Cut to Wing Chun going to see her sifu, a badass lady monk who gives her some excellent sage advice I’ve already forgotten.
Then back to the bandits’ stronghold for round two wearing what I think was supposed to be her wedding outfit, with Pok To waiting outside the gates for her. (And the cutest moment in the entire thing—when he shouts, “Kick his ass!” as the gates close behind her.)
This time, Wing Chun is able to defeat the head bandit and all his men, who immediately begin calling her “mother” and bowing to her as she laughs and calls them her sons.
When she comes back out the gates, it’s to discover that Pok To’s done some ass kicking of his own and is now sitting on a pile of bodies waiting for her.
… add corpse-sitting to the list of Donnie’s kinks, I guess?
In conclusion, it was ridiculous and silly but also surprisingly cute, endearing, and had some genuinely good hets—not something we encounter too often in our streams.
Don’t forget the 2nd fortress leader’s burnt dick lol
A Force Sensitive Phasesixer 